Saturday, April 21, 2012

Now I'm supposed to leave?

Friends, I'm struggling.

It's been a hard week for us here at HCO. We always have our difficulties and trials, but this week Satan was at it full force.

We've dealt with two scary medical situations and have spent the majority of the last 3 days at two different hospitals. Thankfully our last team brought down a blood-pressure cuff and monitor so I caught one of the boys' condition fairly early and we got him to the ER. Thank you Ms. Sheryl!

But amongst all of this, our boys are struggling with the upcoming transition. Marlo is struggling. I am struggling. We are all struggling. Sometimes together, sometimes not.

Attachment and Detachment struggles and disorders are common among orphans and adoptees. I've read myself silly over RAD, symptoms, advice, success stories, common themes etc. You name it, I've probably read it, trying to stay mentally ahead of the game. I knew these days would come.. all of the boys questioning our bonds, re-establishing our relationship, defending their hearts and figuring out who I am to them. They are acting out on their anger and confusion in 40 different ways and to be blunt, it is emotionally (and physically) draining.

As a Christian, woman and "temporary mama" (A term I like more than house mother) I cannot allow myself to disconnect. I cannot allow myself to give 80%, to only love so much.. because I fully believe Christ wouldn't. He would give all of Himself, completely. He would allow the heartbreak, anger and frustration. He wouldn't pull away just because its hard. He didn't pull away just because it was hard. He never pulls away when it gets hard.

My love for them runs so deep. My heart is for these boys. They know I love them and they know Christ loves them. But with all the confusion and drama here at the house, I'm feeling down.

How do you answer "Berftani, you're the only person who's been a mom to all of us, littles and bigs. Why don't you stay?" from a 20 year old.

Or "Aren't we your friends? Aren't we your family? Won't you miss us?" from a 11 year old.

Or "Befani, you're the only voice I have in this world. You are the only one who will stand up for me and these boys." from one of our big boys.

My response is typically just give them a big helping of love. I came here because of love. I stayed here because of love, I leave because of love and I will return because of love. And that even with how deeply they feel our love and our relationship.. it is nothing in comparison to Christ and His love! His love runs far deeper than ours ever could!

But it is never enough. The only answer that is enough is, "Yes, I'll stay." And they know I can't.

So with that, I feel guilty as I get excited to go home. I feel guilty leaving them to be without a woman to discipline them, give them hugs, bandage their cuts, kiss their fevers away, play soccer with them, make sure they are eating and drinking water, make sure they're showering etc.

I will go home to a wonderful man, beautiful family and friends.

I'm so thankful Marlo is coming back in June. So if I don't..I know they will have someone here to take care of them with a gentle touch, a woman's touch. A woman who loves them as much as I do, knows them like I do and will care for them.

God what is your will?

How does this work? I don't understand.

I could use your prayers.

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