Sunday, April 1, 2012

Tears or Sweat?

So, humor me for a minute.

Imagine you've come to an orphanage in another country to live and work for four months. It's now been three months and you've fallen in love with the home, the country and the people there. Each boy having their own special place in your heart and life. Literally loving each one as if they were your own; knowing their quirks, likes and dislikes.. their talents, fears and aspirations. You wake up every morning to the sound of their laughter and go to sleep at night listening to them pray.

On the flip side, those three months have been a long time to be away from home. You miss your family and friends, being able to talk with them and see them with the touch of a button. You miss the little things about your other world, like waking up to your husbands' obnoxiously loud alarm-clock, the easy fluidity of routine, walks at the park and going to sleep after long talks about God, love and life. Realizing with every day gone just how much you love your friends and how much they mean to you.

This is my dilemma.

Everyday, all day. I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster. I'm always up and down, constantly thrown in a million different emotional directions. Typically, I wouldn't divulge this information in such a public way.. (I would normally just rant in my journal or cry to Marlo) but do not fear.. there is a point to this rambling.

So I've been dealing with all of this today and well, for the past week.

But then tonight the boys, Marlo and I had a God-given moment together.

We were at prayer time.. sweating profusely from the humidity, smelly and packed in like sardines in the living room. The boys were singing incredibly beautiful and loud (as always). After about 30 minutes of intimate worship, they had us get in the middle of them so they could pray for us. All 40+ (we had visitors) of the boys from our youngest of 10 to our older "men" of 23 began softly whispering their prayers to the Lord. They quickly began growing in urgency and intensity as they came to the Lord on our behalf. The voices were so loud it was deafening! Some were shouting at the top of their lungs. A few phrases I could make out were: "Give them courage! Protect them!"  It was like the pain that was gripping my heart in such a powerful way slowly began to lighten. "Peace is with them!" I couldn't control my heart any longer, the Lord knew I needed this moment to let go again. "Lord touch them!"

Finally as many began to finish up, I felt it... Peace. "Thank You Lord for Bethany!"

This Peace. The Lord. Digging in to the innermost parts of my being and dispelling all my sorrow. Lifting up my soul and allowing me to be weak, being the Strength I need. Why is it that I always seem to trust the Lord in the BIG things.. but its with something simple that it takes 40 people pleading with Him on my behalf for me to let go?

Thank You Lord for never giving up on me. For letting me have this incredible moment tonight, reminding me of Your awesome power. For allowing me to rest in You. For giving me this life, these boys and this experience. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I know that the way I've been feeling is okay and normal and even expected to an extent. I wrote a post a while back about my Homesickness Times Two. However, can be overwhelming and I could use your prayers during the homestretch. Thanks to all my supporters and encouragers! Thanks be to God!

I'll leave you with some lyrics (orignially a Poem by Rumi) Eric and I often say to each other... It is the perfect explanation of tonight. 

"What was said to the rose to make it unfold, 
was said to me here in my chest.
So be quiet now and rest."

-Crowder, Here is Our King

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